Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Your ability to provide food is the only thing keeping your cat from murdering you.

   Some of us are truly living and others are just struggling not to die.

   Don't let anyone tell you how to live your life! Unless you're an idiot. In that case, please listen carefully.

   Dreamt I was 400lbs, while being fanned with palm fronds last night.. Now headed to Golden Corral with a powerball ticket to make it reality.

   Being unsure has never stopped me from making a decision.

   If you can't be the reason behind her smile, at least be the reason she walks funny for a while!

   I feel like if I wake up in a new Bugatti , I'm probably getting arrested in the near future.

   Baby it's not you, it's me. But it's me because of you.

   The letter O is just a Q that has stopped smoking.

   Why be full of hate when you can be full of pizza?

   Sorry to disturb you guys, but is this the right place to sign up for a mental breakdown?

   "Can we talk for a minute?" is code for, "I am going to ruin the next 6 hours of your life with this bad news here."

   What is Warm, Soft, Sticky and has a Hole in the middle? It's a Fresh donut. I was way off on that one!

   Very hard explaining to a 4yo how paper beats rock. None of us likes it, that's just the way it is, but we accept it and move on.

   be the person your cat thinks you are..Lol

   I just put Cheez-Wiz on a Cheez-It......... Like a Boss!

   One time I was stranded on a kitchen island for 4 years. It was delicious.

   The rabbit trying to get breakfast from our garden is now under an artillery barrage from the left over bottle rockets from the Forth of July

   Paula Deen finally got a job,at Whiteys Honkeytonk,only serves white bread and crackers

   Roses are red, violets are blue, I suck at poetry, show me your t!ts