Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Things I'm confused by: how did Rub a Dub Dub, Three Men in a Tub become a nursery rhyme?

   Whenever I select "Next day delivery" for an online purchase, I imagine all these people running around yelling, "Code Red. Code Red!!" and scurrying like crazy.

   Never trust a man who takes selfies

   People still shooting off fireworks better be careful that they don't hit any of the Christmas decorations they never took down.

   It's a beautiful day to dwell on the past and blame yourself for things out of your control.

   I've started acting like my great grandpa when people are at my house, I sit in my favorite chair and hand them a dish of sh*tty candy.

   Don't take this the wrong way, but you shouldn't be allowed to be a person.

   There's only one kind of exercise I know and its the beer run.

   If your relationship is in trouble, don't worry. Join facebook and fill the void in your soul with virtual people.

   I'm not tall enough to ride my own emotional roller coaster.

   anybody want to LARP with me?

   Don't forget to do nothing about your problems and complain about them on the internet forever.

   Hey people still doing fireworks. My dog hates you.

   FACT: I've never had a windshield wiper setting that truly satisfied me.

   Let's tell people what to do with their lives and ignore our own problems.

   Let's just eat pizza and cake until nobody loves us.

   I don’t write to please you. I write to pretend that I write to please you.

   Egypt is one of those rare countries whose "good old days" were in 2,000 B.C.

   I wish I could have a lazy Sunday but my to-do list is longer than Aaron Hernandez's rap sheet...

   Look, all I'm saying is, bears spend half of the year eating and the other half sleeping and they're doing alright.