Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   My goal at work today is "I'M HERE AIN'T I?!" Achieved. Now what.

   I was walking through the cemetery and saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. I said, "Morning!" He said, "No. Taking a $hit."

   It only two dangling thingys and I still dont know which one to pull....-ceiling fans all over the world!

   going all the way on a first date also known as a "Hole in one"?

   Seriously! Just watched a deer look both ways before crossing a road. Isolated incident or beginning of a much welcomed change in behavior?

   If I live to be 100, I'm going to make up some fake reason why, just to mess with people... like I copied and pasted the same staus every single day.

   In real world, most of people on Facebook, Internet and twitter would be in prison.

   She's not my girl but I get her to smile

   Long Island Iced Tea drinks should be called "Learn to Plank in one evening."

   I wish I had Caesar Milan to correct me whenever I drive up to KFC

   If there is a hand on each shoulder, it's not a prostate exam.

   My wife worked my ass off today. It's still laying out in the yard somewhere.

   When you can't be a good example, at least serve as a horrible warning

   I can imagine homeless people aren't the biggest fans of little dogs wearing sweaters?

   When you can't be a good example, at least serve as a horrible warning.

   Let's be honest. The only reason I listen to my voice-mail messages is to make the stupid icon disappear.

   If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn't he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator?

   I’m starting to think I buy bananas just to watch them die a slow death in my own home.

   I imagine homeless people aren't the biggest fans of little dogs wearing sweaters.

   If I live to be 100, I'm going to make up some fake reason why, just to mess with people... like claim I ate a pinecone every single day.