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My buddy and me picked up a couple of cougars last night, or as I like to call it, sweating to the oldies!! 
I hate crickets in the house........except for the one I just killed. He seems alright.
Words of Wisdom - As you sow, so shall you reap.
I'll wear high heels so it's easier for you to hit it from behind.
If you're in the mood for a little disappointment & looking to be unsatisfied, sexually or intellectually, give me a call. I'm free tonight
I pulled my wife's panties to the side.......then put the rest of her socks in the drawer.
I saw a woman put a chunk of butter in her mouth. Then buttered her corn on the cob by rubbing it on her mouth. I think I might be in love.
I reek of alcohol and poor judgement according to the unknown DNA on the left side of my face.
Autocorrect just changed "hammered" to "married" so I guess I'm getting hitched tonight.
I've had a long day. The last thing I need is brown lettuce in my salad
It's wierd paying taxes as a stoner knowing that a portion will be used trying to incarcerate yourself.
Put your hands up for Detroit.....and beg for money!
Saw a woman pushing a stroller wearing a T-shirt that read 'I hate men', but the kid looks just like her! I don't understand!
George Zimmerman should change his name to Ben Ghazi, then the White house and media will never mention him again
I hate crickets in my house.....except for the one I just killed. He seems ok.
This weekend, a woman in colorado gave birth inside a Wal Mart. Apparently, its the first thing found in a Wal Mart not made in China..
I went into Home Depot and asked one of the associates if he thought that these pruning shears would cut through bone. You should have seen the look on his face.
I just tried to find something in my wife's purse. I think I hit the wrong combination of buttons and now the sky is turning black...
My support group can outdrink your support group.
Wonders why there are so many people with cranial rectal inversion ? 