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You know it's over when she starts liking and commenting on some other guy's posts and pics. 
People with pierced nipples have no excuse for losing their car keys.
My Smart Phone has more computing power than NASA did in 1969 and they went to the moon. All I do is play Angry Birds. Yes, I'm an underachiever.
I like to read magazines about parenting. That way, I can learn all the things my parents did wrong when they raised me, and I can go back to them and say "See? This is the reason I am like I am."
Hey douche, how about I chop off your hands so you can really make the most out of your bluetooth headset?
Wouldn't it be cool if cell phones came with tasers?
If I was Adam, the world would still have 2 people cause Eve would've friendzoned me :(
There is a thin line between 911 and 9/11.
That guy just told his girlfriend, "But, I didn't do anything."......Lmao...... He's young. He'll learn.
When Kanye West dies, I hope he donates his ego to science.
My wife said she is losing her mind. I said "I'm not surprised. You've been giving me a piece of it every day for the past 25 years." Actually, sleeping on the couch with the dog is not so bad. It sort of reminds me of camping out.
"Jesus loves you" is a nice thing to hear in a church, but a terrifying thing to hear in a Mexican prison.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like Blackberries, rub one ball and everything moves.
I think I'll get a pet Boa Constrictor. It should be real cheap to feed him what with all the free kittens on Craigslist.
If UGGs made bras, would they be called JUGGs?
I have dirty thoughts every 3.14159265 seconds. I guess I’m pi-sexual.
My wife married me because I have a heart of gold. Then she cut it out of me, hocked it and bought shoes.
I just found an onion ring in my French Fries! Best day ever! No wait, I think that's an ear...never mind.
Rolling st-o-o-one...wanna see my picture on the cover? Tried to kill 5 thousand with my brother. Sto-o-one...A desperate attempt to seem relevant. By some Dimwit at the Rolling Stone!
When dancing with my demons, should I lead or follow? 