Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I hate vacationing with my wife because I never have enough privacy to jack off...

   my family has Irish Alzheimers.........we forget everything except for the grudge

   Only a few things Reeses cups will not fix!

   I could snap at any moment. Seriously, with either hand.

   I'm convinced that homeless people have all the shopping carts with 4 good wheels.

   I'm sweating worse than Patrick Ewing

   The two hot teen lesbians next door gave me a timex for my birthday. I guess they misunderstood when I said "I wanna watch!"

   I'd love to give whoever designed the iPhone 5 a car that refills quickly at the pump but only goes 10 miles before needing another refill

   If you're feeling powerless just remember a single one of your turds can shut down an entire water park.

   Unless I missed an international news story, the TV show "Finding Bigfoot" should probably be called "Not Finding Bigfoot"

   I'm sorry for what I said when I was hungry.

   The only kind of Candy Crush I do is with my teeth.

   I react to "Someone has tagged a photo of you..." in the same way I react to a doctor saying, "Your test results came back..."

   "F hash tags and retweets, 140 characters in these streets"

   i'll join the revolution after I see what the cops do to the 1st 10,000

   Ladies; If the first date is going really well you should probably bring up marriage so he knows you're serious about him.

   Chocolate covered raisins are another way to say; "I hate you."

   There should be a sequel song about needing a ride back from Funkytown.

   It’s funny how the change jar slowly becomes all pennies

   The only thing preventing me from smashing my alarm clock at 6am is the fact that it’s my cellphone.