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WARNING!!! Drug use may cause memory loss and....uhm.... 
If I die at walmart, PLEASE, drag my body to Cabella's
just because I don't have a girlfriend doesn't mean I'm all alone, I have food and internet!
COMEBACK: Just a few more weeks without sex and I win another pair of crocs.
A good woman knows her limits...... A wise woman knows she has none."
I'll bet Anthony Weiner's babysitter's mom is pretty freaking creeped out right now.
Almost have my puppy trained to only sh*t in the neighbors yard.
If a man needs to be taught how to fish, that man is a wussy.
You won't see my crazy unless I want you to see my crazy. That's how crazy I am.
The person in front of me at Starbucks included a specific temperature in her coffee order. Where is a drone strike when you need one?
Just watched the Selena Gomez "Birthday" video and now I understand why terrorists exist.
It's so cute when the cashier puts the receipt on the counter like it's going to stop me from finding a way to caress her hand. Nice try.
Trying to start a conga line at work is unprofessional, and borders on sexual harassment. 'Apparently'.
I'm going to trade my truck in on a smart car. Nobody asks the dumbass in the smart car to help them move!
People that say relationships are easy have probably never been in a real relationship. Cats don’t count.
when people make noise by their high heels, I want to smack them, with that shoes, on their head.
I'm running out of ways to not hit people.
You might call it ‘whipped.’ I call it 'guy who’s getting laid.’
Whenever I see a beautiful woman with a fat ugly guy I think: ''maybe he owns a panda.''
Stay in that position I just got a Facebook Notification. 