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I'm sure someday I will go to a Chinese restaurant and be mature and able to resist doing Chopstick Walrus, but today is not that day. 
Stop saying you just can't help cheating. Cheating is not a disease, it is a choice dammit.
Hello Acme? Me again, I'm gonna need a rocket and some roller skates.. Yeah & a sign with the word yikes on it... No I still haven't caught him
Apparently anal sex is illegal in Iceland. Sadly enough for the American tax payer it's not an issue
You can never own too many cell phone chargers.
Whenever a girl says Hi to me, I start shouting "Stranger Danger" over and over...
I'm in a serious relationship with my wifi. You could say we have a…nice connection.
Bingo stands for: Bored idiots now growing old.
Just seen a Cheerios commercial with an interracial family so I've eaten my last bowl of Cheerios.
They gave Obama bobbleheads to all fans 18 and over today at Tiger stadium.
90% of my workout consist of me finding the rite song, 9% trying to bend down to put my shoes on, and 1% kicking off my shoes to crawl into bed!
Get naked. I'm ready to ruin your loneliness.
If people looked like their personalities Kim Kardashian would be Lord Voldemort.
It takes me a week to return a phone call, but I will knock over a baby to get to my phone if I even think I hear a Facebook notification
Ladies, please send me your height, weight, and body mass index. So I can calculate the amount of alcohol needed for you to think I'm sexy.
Prison pen pals: Because the odds of getting murdered just aren't high enough.
To the world you may be one person but to me you are an ass-hole.
Don't twerk in front of me and expect me not to gravitate towards that ass
I'd never leave my wife. She knows too much.
What you never want to hear at a rest stop out of the stall next to you: "OK, let's see if this flushes." 