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If you’re going to hire a moving company, make them all play Tetris first and choose the one who gets the highest score. 
If those Febreeze commercials with rooms filled with stinking, rotting garbage convince you to buy their product. Here's a heads up for you........ You need to clean your freaking house!!!
I was having breakfast at a friend's house and she said "How do you take your coffee?" I said "Very seriously."
Wanted to 69 with a hottie in Canada, but I couldn't figure it out with the exchange rate and metric system. So instead I've been jerking off while yelling "USA, USA!!" in the business district in Montreal instead.
Listen,,, "You’re a ghost driving a meat coated skeleton made from stardust, what do you have to be scared of?"
I woke up from a deep sleep to find my very despised ex girlfriend standing at the foot of my bed...she was naked and holding a 12 pack of beer in one hand and a large pizza in the other hand...this works for me.
Doing the "I'm thinking really hard face" when the BIG corporate boss looks at you during a meeting.
You needn't love your enemy, but if you refrain from telling lies about him, you are doing well enough.
Teaching my kids some nursery rhymes for the first time... Damn you Andrew Dice Clay!
Those Blue Man Group guys need to find women. I didn’t realize it could spread like that.
I hope someone will document at least one girl's evolution from "Toddlers & Tiaras" to "Teen Mom" to "Intervention" to "Hoarders."
Woke up to gun shots this morning. Luckily my wife has horrible aim.
The police showed up and used technical terms like "Stalker" and "PPO" when I thought I was leaving a "Love Note"
"Zyzzyva, Zyxst, Zyxt..." - Noah Webster's last words
Why is it that the Troubleshooting sections of user manuals address every problem except the one you are having?
I'd like to invite you to stop inviting me to like your page on facebook.
I'll bet I can do less push ups than you.
Facebook is a great way to connect with boring people who are bad at the internet.
Please take everything I tweet seriously because I never use sarcasm and thoroughly enjoy explaining things to strangers on the Internet
Sylvester Stallone is in talks to make a new Rocky movie. In this one he will fight arthritis. 