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Riley Cooper said what??? Wait, isn't he Manning's brother??? No, thats Cooopah! 
Traffic would be awesome if we all drove hamster balls.
Marijuana is a gateway drug to pizza.vThat's all.
Taco Tuesday is great and all, but I can't wait for Sloppy Sex Saturday.
Word Problem: If Scott has 2 bananas for lunch and a dollar seventy nine in change, how likely is it he'll go get an order of onion rings?
you know that urge you get to eat something just because its there well that is why I am not a gynecologist
If my name was Mario, I'd end all my relationships with, "It's not you, It's-a me Mario!"
If you stole a cigarette from your dad and he made you smoke a whole pack while he watched, I hope he never caught you stealing a Playboy.
I had a Chris Brown joke saved up but it looks like somebody already beat me to the punch.
If Hillary was President, Air Force One would be a Broomstick.
Nasty bumper sticker: My Kid Knocked Up Your Honor Student.
Most friends with benefits have such high deductibles that you'll always be paying way too much out of pocket.
If at first you don't succeed, you should have done it my way in the first place.
I saw Lebron James before the game and I asked him for change for a dollar. He gave me 75 cents. I said "Where's the rest?" He said "I don't have a 4th quarter."
Which is creepier. Being in a bathroom stall and looking out through the crack in the door, you see someone looking back? Or looking into the stall and you see someone looking out?
I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language made entirely out of tattoos.
Why do your friends always wait until you breakup with someone to tell you that they thought they were ugly?
My doctor told me to start watching what I eat. What channel is the Pizza Network on?
Give me coffee or give me breath.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind. 