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If it wasn't for Google or Bing the world would be full of idiots 
Wake me up, before you go, ho.
I'm actually a nice guy once you get to kill me.
I know that my boss is impressed that I can work and stare at my phone at the same time. He just doesn't show it well.
Women are selfish. Why do you want me to make you feel like the luckiest girl in the world? Why not just make you one of the billion luckiest girls in the world?
Marrying your high school sweetheart is gross.
Quitting facebook has made it very difficult to stay in touch with all my fake friends.
Whenever my son asks me to push him on the swing I remind him there's kids his age in China making iPhones.
Men are complicated creatures. Some admire the buttocks, others prefer breasts and a select few pt for the d*ck.
If you piss off a girl, just play dead. That sh*t works with bears and they're almost as dangerous as angry women.
Telling a woman she looks tired is like slapping a lion in the face under the assumption that you're walking away intact.
If she's easy to be around, you have been friend zoned...
Ladies; Please note that men don't respond to words, they respond to silence
You know you are hanging with the right person when it feels easy and comfortable.
Never judge a whiskey by its drinker.
She said she can't resist a guy in uniform, so I put in my résumé to Burger King. and now I wait.
"It's time to go home" - my phone's battery
I'm single by choice. Too bad the choice wasn't mine.
And don't thank your teachers for your grammar skills, either.
I don't have to thank noone for Friday because its a natural phenomenon controlled by nobody but nature. 