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Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight. - The Swiss Army 
Dr. Seuss could have been the greatest rapper ever.
I don't understand why Walmart has a problem with me bringing my dog in the store. He's better behaved, smells better, and less likely to take a crap on the floor than 95% of the people here.
Why do I get no "likes" when I mention cocaine and strippers in the same sentence?
12 years of school and I'm still not sure if it's “grey” or “gray”
I didn't do it, that is why it didn't get done. :)
If you mix LSD with Advil your headache rides away on a dragon.
With a infinite amount of information at their fingertips, why are there so many stupid people in the world?
I've started a new thing, post your password on my wall in case you forget it!! (Yeah, I got your back :-D)
You're missing the point....and quite possibly a chromosome.
Why do we buy bacon and fry it yet we buy frozen french fries and bake them??
Need to get my butt in gear but I think my clutch is broken.
No one will think you're boring if you walk around wearing a deployed parachute
If so many things taste like chicken...what does chicken taste like???
If this country really cared about itself everyone would quit looking for work so we could get the unemployment rate down to 0%!
"Any way you can speed this up, officer? I'm obviously in a hurry."
You can tell how a persons life is going by how they press the crosswalk button
Be careful of bull sharks, they swim in shallow water. Be careful of bullsh*t too, it swims in shallow people.
Don't quite get it when guys don't understand why a woman feels relieved when she takes her bra off... Let's see them under-wire their bad boys to their hips for a day.
Looking back, I probably shouldn't have put my neighbors panties in my garage sale... 