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No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase,,, it’s 9. 
The only thing worse than being single is hearing a person who has rejected you complain about being single.
Dating: I love your taste in music! Married: I got you headphones for your birthday.
Garage sales are the gateway drug to Walmart.
I saw 3 people pick up after their dogs this morning. Top of the food chain? .. Yeah right
I wish I could be as happy as stupid people.
You're not USELESS I'm just saying that 300 years ago YOU would've been the guy to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn't eat.
I have a condition that prevents me from going on a diet... I get hungry.
You may think it's bad grammar but I assure you it's just laziness.
I like to ask the drive-up window guy "Did the car ahead of me pay for mine?" cuz random acts of kindness.
I date crazy girls because I like the rush of staring death in the face and living to tell about it.
I've found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
I've decided that I'm an ass man. Don't get me wrong, horses are beautiful. They just dont have the majestic aura of the donkey.
I suggested we use some knots during sex. My wife agreed. She chose “not tonight.”
it too late for Justin Bieber's mom to have an abortion?
My neighbour does a lot of digging in his yard. I think he may be a serial killer. Excuse me guys, I'm going to give him my Karma list.
"It's not you, it's me." -Twins looking at some family photos
To the person who affixed the word coffee to the word cake, thereby justifying the eating of cake for breakfast....I salute you unnamed hero of the unhealthy
Women, can't live with them, can't live without them. Might as well suffer and live with them. 