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With friends like Simon Cowell, who needs enemies? 
Dammit! I tried, I really tried, but Monday still found me.
Instead of an "are you sure you want to delete?" confirmation notice, there should be a "are you sure you want to post this, you frickin idiot?" notice.
Sometimes you don't get the chance to choose when things happen.
Here's to the people who hit bongs, not women. Spark bowls, not arguments. Burn bud, not bridges. Save this world...one puff at a time.
I watch Zombie movies while eating watermelon. Makes me feel like I'm practicing in case I ever become one.
Whenever I hand someone my camera to take a picture, they act like I’m asking them to pilot an alien spaceship. JUST PUSH THE DAMN BUTTON!
Hey homeless guy, quick tip: don’t panhandle outside the 99 Cent Store, we’re not that far from you.
Ever want to click on someone’s Facebook status and fix all the spelling and grammatical errors for them?
I don’t care what people think of me… At least mosquitoes find me attractive.
Forgotten money found in jean pockets = the best.
If I was looking to hire a psychic, the only question in my interview would be,,"How many times have you won the lottery?"
My period is a bit like SHARK WEEK. There's a ton of blood and a good chance that someone might die.
Damn, for living in a trailer home in the woods you sure know a lot of government secrets
Maybe poor people don't even like food,, we don't know.
"I'd hit that".......................... - Old people driving
A dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.
Whenever God closes a door, the Devil pushes me out a window.
Chocolate is God's apology for brocolli
Due to the scare of Dec 21, 2012, my "Baby Boom" Prediction should be coming up right on schedule this month and in September. 