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I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I'll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony. 
I had to join two belts together today. I'm not overly fat. I'm just too lazy to get up and smack the kids.
The problem with taking the road less traveled... is the poor phone signal...
There is a new movie out about the lives of White Trash people, but I've only seen the trailer.
I'm at one of those awkward stages in my weight loss effort where one belt notch is too loose and the next one is too tight.
I buy all my guns from a dude named T-Rex........... Yeah He's a,,, small arms dealer
Come on guys! I've had to deactivate facebook due to the pressure
People with boring Facebook profiles need to stop making the situation worse and awkward by further creating Facebook Pages which they constantly beg us to like.
Hey Guys, never chase women. Chase your dreams and women will follow.
I want my kids to be as lazy as me but I'm unwilling to put in the work.
Joe Biden walks nervously into the grocery store by himself for the first time. He asks the clerk, "where are the snowman noses?"
The best way to a woman's heart is by saying three words ''- You lost weight...!!!!
Teacher asks Billy; “If you have five candies and Mohammed asks for one, how many will you have left?” Billy; “Five”
Twinkies are like Val Kilmer, bloated, saturated in fat, and no one’s had them in their mouth since the 80's.
My girlfriend says that a small pěis won’t affect our relationship. Whether she’s right or not, I’d prefer it if she didn’t have one at all!
What would happen if you hired two private investigators to follow each other?
I just threw my clothes away and bought my garbage to the laundry mat
Penny for your thoughts...five bucks if they're dirty..
You buy her a gift. She sleeps with you. The similarity here is that the s-e-x is also a gift since both things center on something coming in a box.
Children are often spoiled because no one will spank Grandma. 