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I'd like to slip into something more comfortable...you. 
Q: Which came first, the chicken or the egg? A: The Rooster...
How many divorced guys does it take to change a lightbulb?...........Who cares, they NEVER get the house anyways.
If you say "cash money" around me, Don't act surprised when I kick you in the "balls nuts",,,,,,,,,,,,,See how stupid that sounds?
My dog runs for president,,,, gets asked race sensitive question,,, "The thing is, I don't see color"......*crowd goes wild*
I don't blame Monday. I blame Saturday for not matching my Powerball numbers :/
Monday. What a horrible way to start the week.
i woke up on the right side of the dirt this morning and for that I am thankful. now as I dont watch the morning news I will stay happy. Happy Monday to all my frienemys
With friends like Simon Cowell, who needs enemies?
Dammit! I tried, I really tried, but Monday still found me.
Instead of an "are you sure you want to delete?" confirmation notice, there should be a "are you sure you want to post this, you frickin idiot?" notice.
Sometimes you don't get the chance to choose when things happen.
Here's to the people who hit bongs, not women. Spark bowls, not arguments. Burn bud, not bridges. Save this world...one puff at a time.
I watch Zombie movies while eating watermelon. Makes me feel like I'm practicing in case I ever become one.
Whenever I hand someone my camera to take a picture, they act like I’m asking them to pilot an alien spaceship. JUST PUSH THE DAMN BUTTON!
Hey homeless guy, quick tip: don’t panhandle outside the 99 Cent Store, we’re not that far from you.
Ever want to click on someone’s Facebook status and fix all the spelling and grammatical errors for them?
I don’t care what people think of me… At least mosquitoes find me attractive.
Forgotten money found in jean pockets = the best.
If I was looking to hire a psychic, the only question in my interview would be,,"How many times have you won the lottery?"
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