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My superpower is waking up more tired than before I slept. 
These arrmy commercials always show video game stuff they don't show dudes tryna eat a pizza with no hands when they get back
I had to defrost the fridge last night before bed. Or foreplay, as she calls it.
You always hear about so and so getting robbed at gunpoint and this person or that was held up at gunpoint. My question? Where the Hell is Gunpoint and why does everyone keep going there?
I'm SO flexible,,,, I end up putting my foot in my mouth daily.
Given the places I've had my tongue, no we cannot "just be friends".
Dinners not done until the smoke detector says it is.
Ever kill a Sasquatch in the forest and then realize it was just your neighbor Dave getting his mail in the lobby? Drugs are funny sometimes
I hate when I order a pizza online & it asks "Do you accept the terms and conditions?" I'm ordering a pizza, not launching a nuclear weapon.
A recent survey revealed that 4 out of 5 women think I'm an a-hole...
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
You'd think there'd be another way of getting down from a horse other than just sitting there until it dies.
I think this marriage can still work if we just stop interacting.
If you have to fight someone’s love then you’ve already lost that battle.
I'm a good idea in theory.
i know I am ugly but can some girl just take one for the team and go out with me tonight?
We have a good thing going here. Let's not ruin it by "talking."
Women are like alarm clocks. They won't shut up until you hit them.
cooking tip : not everyone can be a chef you know... you can order a pizza,, there is nothing shameful about giving up
Listen Bob,,, You're indispensable. Just like the last guy we fired. 