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To convince my boss that I'm keeping busy, I periodically yell "YOU THINK THIS IS A GAME?" into my phone, then slam down the receiver 
Sometimes,people aren't always who they seem to be and sometimes people are so much more than you originally thought ...
My facebook page is like a restaurant if you don't like what I am serving feel free to go somewhere else.
When the rich robs the poor, it's called business. When the poor fight back, it's called violence !
Never underestimate a woman's ability to make you feel responsible and guilty for her mistakes.
Why people diss Wal-Mart? Is it so great that it has the most number of haters?
i entered 10 puns in a contest to see which would win....no pun in ten did
Some guy screwed you over? Would you like to explain how the whole male population is responsible for this?
Your parents payed your iPhone, MacBook and bought you car? And they're paying for your school? Please, tell me how hard your life is.
Telling a girl to "calm down" is like trying to baptize a cat.
Ladies If it takes you more than a hour to get ready, then you aren't as cute as you think you are
If you wear Hollister past seventh grade I'm just gonna assume you enjoy the taste of another man's schlong.
To "scratch" your balls is a false saying. It's more of a "pinch and roll"
f your ex texts you, its probably because they tried to replace you, but failed.
“One man’s trash is another man’s treasure” is an awesome phrase. But it’s a horrible way to tell your kid they’re adopted.
Sometimes I run toward people and get so frustrated that they don't know I want to do the Dirty Dancing lift. Then it just becomes awkward.
It's always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I'm always like, "I love you," and they're like, "Thank you for choosing Pizza Hut."
I wish people would be honest in their FB posts, like, "Happy birthday to my slightly less than average looking kind of friend, Jenny."
Very little scares me. So does very big.
Give it up, we get it... Your wife is your dog and your girlfriend is your hand 