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Sorry, ladies, but if he has a 4" d*ck, he'll never really be that into you. 
I may have to bite the bullet & get it on with Sue. She's a 4ft psycho with questionable hygine but times are hard. I deserve happiness too.
Life is what happens when your cell phone is charging.
911 what’s your emergency? Me: My Wife keeps pointing a flashlight at me!! 911: How is that an emergency? Me: It’s attached to her gun!!!
The best part about walking in the rain with your significant other is they don't know you're peeing.
From Shark week to Mob week. Luca Brasi sleeps with Jaws.
Unless you fell off the treadmill and smacked your head...no one wants to hear about your workout
I think It's a good thing that not everyone has a smartphone... Someone has to honk when the light turns green.
Hmmmmm,, You walk to the back of the dry cleaner's,,,,, and it's just a bunch of cats licking your shirts.
For a minute there, I thought I had just wasted 60 seconds...
When a newscaster says; "I am live at the scene with a person who witnessed the accident," what they really mean is; "Check out this douchetard we found at the scene of this crash."
going to celebrate national left handed day by cheating on my right hand
Hell hath no fury like a Facebook friend - stalker, needy, arrogant, troublemaker,and ignorant - deleted and blocked.
I'm not saying it was right, but I bet all those guys Whitey killed were dirtbags too...
No matter how many lives you have in Candy Crush, you'll still never get your own back.
Hell hath no fury like a Facebook friend deleted and blocked.
Everyone has someone they can trust with everything. Except their phone. No one trusts anyone with their phone.
I guess there won't be mens figure skating at the winter olympics...
If you are keeping up with the Kardashians and you are a guy, I have bad news for you. You may not already know this but you are gay.
If your dog takes a dump on your floor and you clean it up, who owns who??
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