Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   The second I named my hangover "dad" it went away

   I'm sorry I took your daughters virginity. It won't happen again.

   Got a cat the other day. Had to swerve to get it, but I got it!

   Darn it, someone figured out my password. Now I have to rename my dog.

   An apple a day keeps the doctor away? Bull$hitt. Apples are dangerous. Just look at Eve, Snow White, Blackberry or any pig at a luau.

   My wife and I do it doggie style. I sit up and beg, and she rolls over and plays dead.

   I have horrible gaydar. When I saw a couple of guys making out, I thought they were just excited for the start of the NFL season.

   There are two kinds of people in the world- those I'd catch during a trust fall and those I wouldn't.

   My Step-Son asked me to explain women to him, so I bought him an PlayStation game for his XBOX.

   I been putting a lot of thought into it and I just don't think being an adult is gonna work for me.

   I just spilled ranch dressing on my keyboard then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.

   I am kind enough to forgive but not stupid enough to forget.

   Those who stir the sh*t-pot should be made to lick the spoon!

   Okay whoever has a voodoo doll of me and making me write this sentimental and inspirational sh*t, stop it now!

   Sometimes I don't know what I'd do w/o Netflix on nights I don't go out to the bars and party.... probably go out to the bars and party."

   Spooning leads to forking which is why I always use condiments.

   gang related violence has went up 50 percent in my house since I took the kids play station from them

   My son asked me to explain women to him, so I bought him an XBOX game for his Playstation.

   SIGN: *jesus recycling shoes*....... "What are you doing there Jesus?"... "Oh, you know, just,,, Saving soles."...

   Considering their thousand-year old dirty little secret, I wonder if the Vatican gets Amber alerts?