Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies. Really good friends help you move bodies no questions asked.

   I wonder who Jason Waterfalls is and why TLC didn't want him to go?

   I am convinced Judas was a woman...They can kill you with a smile or a kiss.

   How has someone not done a full body tattoo that is a maze?

   In the mind of my Hound dog: "He's on the floor, trying to get my ball from under the couch... I will assist by licking his eyeball !"

   Breaking Bad brought to you by Nationwide Insurance. Because you never know when Walter White is going to take you out...

   Me: How much for a wank? Prostitut: $15 Me: Thanks. I don't want one, I just wanted to know how much I was saving every night

   If you are a pharmacist and you never yell "Now take these suppositories and shove'em straight up your a s s!" Then we could never be friends

   I'm sorry for doing a slow clap after you told me your boyfriend broke up with you

   I've got a Tootsie Pop and seven hours until the aviary notices their Spotted Owl is missing. Let's do this!

   What do you call a book club that's been stuck on the same book for thousands of years? Church.

   I once dated a girl who wrote mystery novels. Her handjobs always ended with a surprise twist.

   "I want a man who takes control but isn't controlling" - Women

   This girl says she is watching her figure. That makes the two of us.

   Do these yoga pants make your d*ck look hard??

   Apparently, sitting down all day makes your bum grow bigger. All I have to do is figure out how I'll start sitting using my chest.

   Some guys also play hard to get. Only in their case, it means they are gay.

   Squirting: A lie women with poor bladder control came up with to pee on our beds/faces.

   Coca-Cola contained Coca (cocaine) from 1885 to 1903, today the company uses a 'secret' ingredient to keep it product addictive.

   He who pays the priest controls the sermon.