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What's the difference between brown nosing and kissing ass? ...depth perception. 
Stop playing the victim. That’s not even a real instrument.
Obama going to completely ignore the release of the iPhone 5S?
Does this insecurity make me look fat?
A clown wanted to buy my car but never got back to me after I told him "Serious Offers only".
Nicolas Cage must be hibernating. Thank god.
Just when I think I'm over my insomnia, people in church start singing.
Stupidity is dangerous, and thanks to social media we have managed to weaponize it.
Does this silence make me look antisocial?
Anyone who makes anymore jokes about 9/11 is boeing straight to hell.
Thank you, True Crime, for sayingthat was a reenactment. I was prettyupset your camera person didn’tstop that murder.
If we'd had texting 20 years ago, me and my buddies conversations would be pretty much the same as today...
I don't want to brag, but I've been told by no less than 6 women I've ruined their lives.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don't think you're supposed call people that any more."
Going to war for Syria is like jumping into a swimming pool while you're wearing an expensive suit to save the kid who bullied you.
Some things are better left unsaid, but I'm probably gonna get drunk and say them anyway.
My first thought upon waking up in the morning is "fuuuuck, not again."
I asked my wife what women really want, she said attentive lovers. Or maybe she said "a tent of lovers." I wasn't really listening.
Make librarians cry by calling it a "Book Museum" while taking pictures with your iPad.
Looking for pornography? Type literally any letter into my search bar 