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You know it's going to be a crappy day when it starts with sneezing while brushing your teeth... 
If you come in late to work you must leave early to make up for it.
Just wondering how the Monkeys got infected with the Human Immunodeficiency Virus, in the first place
"One, two, Freddy's comin' for you... Three, four, you'd better lock your door..." oh wait, wrong holiday!
Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.
FACT: The higher pitched my "hey!" the greater the chance I don't remember who you are.
Read Putin's Op-Ed in the New York Times. This crap would have been a lot more believable if after every paragraph he said "....Mr. Bond."
Ladies; Be Careful about listening to Oprah's relationship advice especially considering she is a billionaire and most of you are either still living with your parents or are perpetually broke.
I was an adult once. Then I opened a Facebook account.
Why in 2013 do semmingly smart broadcasters with english or journalism degrees continue to say "same exact"?? It's effing dumb stupid...
Laughter is the best medicine..long as you take percocet with it
If Cheetos made beer, I'd drink that $hit!!
I am 50 years old and I still have the same body I had when I was 21! the only thing wrong with it is,it could probably do with a good iron.
Wow......this is turning out to be the best year Mark Sanchez has ever had in the NFL
Maybe Mother Nature wants to be a dirty girl!
You know why nobody has gotten a GPS location on Obamas cell phone to take him out. Because he has several million citizens under his plan so you'd miss every time. . .
As a fan of hard sci-fi, I did not enjoy "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus"
Time moves forward, things change. It can be hard. On the upside, there'll be way less dudes wearing the jacket from Drive this Halloween.
"40 is the new 20!" - math teacher who's about to be fired
It's 2013 and I'm pretty disappointed that scientists have yet to introduce bbq or cool ranch alternatives to our plain salt-flavored tears 