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I got more moves than a bucket of worms 
I think you people lied to me...exactly how much of this hair of the dog do I have to eat before this hangover goes away?
I'm going to trade in my "I'm stupid" t-shirt for the fancy "I'm with stupid" one.
t’s true we don’t know what we’ve got until its gone, but we don’t know what we’ve been missing until it arrives
f a man says you’re ugly he’s being mean. If a woman says you’re ugly she’s envious. If a little kid says you’re ugly, you’re ugly.
It’s crazy that when Miley Cyrus gets naked and licks a hammer, it’s “art” and “music”…. but if I do it, I’m “wasted” and “have to leave Home Depot
My dentist told me I need a crown I was like..pfft! I know right should've been given one years ago.
Snookie Kardashian?
Women who get breast implants have delusions of glandular.
People go on and on about the length of Subway's sandwiches but how come nobody talks about their girth?
Want to feel old? The players in this year's Puppy Bowl haven't even been born yet.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
According to this BMI chart,,, I'm too short.
Mom: You want some trail mix?........... Me: You mean M&Ms with obstacles?
The cause of the inferno at Jersey Shore has been determiined, Apparently Snookie Kardashian had mistaken rubbing alcohol for sex lube.
Dear God, when I said I wanted a salary with six zeros in it,,, I didn't mean only zeros.
*Maury opens envelope*......................"Necessity IS the mother of Invention!"....... *Necessity jumps up and throws chair across stage*
Ask your doctor if making three lefts is right for you.
Anyone up for a Zombie FlashMob around Halloween time? Start with"Thriller" dance then if public doesn't like...flip the switch it becomes a Zombie Invasion
Could you be more specific when you say "...or else" 