Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   The big boss held a staff meeting today. He said "Our employees are this company's most valuable asset!" So he's decided to sell us.

   An anniversary is a day that commemorates or celebrates a past event that occurred on the SAME DATE of the YEAR as the initial event. Some people tend to think 1 month is an anniversary. You're welcome.

   When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” but when I do it, I’m “wasted” and “have to leave Home Depot”

   Sorry I confused sexual tension with regular tension and got us both fired.

   Being an alcoholic allows me to use my liquor store's wi-fi anytime I want

   Show me a lot of cleavage, and I'll foget you in a minute. Show me a hint of cleavage, and you'll be on my mind all day..

   The only things that should be fat are your pockets.

   Bestiality is okay for religious people because they're sheep anyway.

   Dear Abby My husband underwent a psych evaluation at work It said he was a compulsive eater. Should I be worried? He's a gynecologist

   My parents while naming me must have thought "lets give him a name which will make a strong password and no one can guess

   When I was a kid I would have a recurring nightmare of been in public without pants . Now I realize that my subconscious was.just preparing me for college !

   The hardest part of your path is knowing when to realize that your struggle has already left you and you now need to let go of it and move on !

   I am tired of being treated as a perfect piece of meat by woman. I am so tired of them only seeing the perfect man with unbelievable flawless features .......Try talking for once , bet you didn't even know I used to have a goldfish

   I bet the first junkies that signed up for instagram must have been disappointed !

   What's the difference between brown nosing and kissing ass? ...depth perception.

   Stop playing the victim. That’s not even a real instrument.

   Obama going to completely ignore the release of the iPhone 5S?

   Does this insecurity make me look fat?

   A clown wanted to buy my car but never got back to me after I told him "Serious Offers only".

   Nicolas Cage must be hibernating. Thank god.