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*at my 8th grade spelling bee*.. "spell ABANDON".... ABANDON,, D-A-D,,, *judge starts sobbing into mic then slams the bell* 
Hello, I am Inigo Montoya,,, I am your waiter,,, here's your menu,,, prepare to dine.
I don't Obamaknow and I don't Obamacare......
Of all the things life has given to me... I would like to return 20 lbs.
i better have a baby soon before my Mom gets too old to raise it for me
The only person who should have a gold iPhone is Mike Myers...
If a woman raises her voice during an argument she's really saying, "STOP THROWING LOGIC AT ME WHEN I'm TRYING TO BE IRRATIONAL!"
I'm a keeper...of bees.
To those that manufacture and market tight, thin yoga pants to fit college girls; I love you man.
Today I just want to cry while stabbing things.
I have been going to the gym for 6 years now, still never gone in.
Everybody's talking about IOS 7..What is it?.. I Still Own windows 7
Just a matter of time till they have an iPhone that recognizes us by our blood alcohol level.
Let's just ignore each other and see where this takes us.
Calm down white girl, you don't possess the proper rhythm to be twerking.
Ladies stop worrying about the quickest way to a mans heart and just give him a blow job already.
If you use any of these terms, "Hi, Guy"-"My Hubby/Wifey" or "Veggies"...go fark yourself.
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they're tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they're drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
If I'm guilty of anything, it's loving too much. And several outstanding speeding tickets, outstanding child support payments. But mostly loving too much.
People who say the worst feeling is not knowing whether to wait or move on have clearly never taken a sh*t only to realize there's no toilet paper. 