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Please don't mistake me asking you how you are doing for me wanting to know how you are doing. 
You may have come into this world kicking and screaming and covered in someone elses blood, if you continue to re-p ost this boring sh*t we will guarantee you leave here the same way.
In an effort to help keep the media from miss identifying guns... Websters has agreed to change the word "Firearm" to "AR-15"...
I came into this world kicking and screaming and covered in someone elses blood and I have no problem going out the same way.
Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus and a recovery room where they have clear print.
In case of emergency : Stop… Drop… And roll a joint.
I don't want to sound like an alarmist, but I just saw Karma buying a 15 inch strap-on.
My wife's safe word is: we have 5 kids
Just because I constantly think of ways to make your life miserable doesn’t mean I don’t love you.
I only drink to forget what I was about to say.
For every one text I send my mother, I have to send 4 more texts explaining what it means
They say you should reach for the stars, but I find you get a lot more done if you reach for a stick
I once shot an elephant in my pajamas. Still not sure how he put them on.
i think the guy standing next to me has given up on life, I can tell because he is barefoot at a Wal-Mart urinal..
When I was a kid..They didnt call it ADHD.. They called it you getting a whoopin' you little brat!
Name two things that will disappear if you ignore them long enough- Snow and Adolescence!
At my age.... It's always Happy Hour!
Only few words can touch her heart like "Baby, I would suck the fart out of your car seat."
[tears open envelope] It's here! It's *really* here! The expressed written consent of the National Football League!
"Wow! A chocolate river!" exclaims Augustus. Wonka adjusts his hat. "Actually, that's an open sewer line, but feel free to keep drinking…"
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