Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Canadian bar fights are just two men insisting on paying each other's tabs.

   You make me want to be better at avoiding you.

   I'm really starting to regret my io6 tattoo...

   I know just enough Spanish to buy the drugs I like.

   It was said that Fast Luke had the quickest hand in the West. Too bad everyone else used guns. Luke's final words reportedly were "pew, pew"

   I want a closed-casket funeral when I die. And in case anyone opens it, I want one of those boxing gloves on a spring to shoot out.

   I'll never forget when Dad tried to teach me to swim by pushing me off the boat. And when he taught me to drive by pushing me out the car.

   I just found out that his full name is actually,, Vehicle Identification Number Diesel.

   Uhm, excuse me waiter... I'd like to return my food. It only received 5 likes on Instagram.

   “I followed Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”................ First hipster

   "Smells like...spring cleaning & fresh flowers"... *takes off blindfold*..."Nope, dead grandma!"..... - worst Febreze commercial ever

   RE-INSTALLING SUMMER ... ███████████████░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░ 60% DONE

   Let's be honest. If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made cows faster.

   But, officer, look at this awesome s tatus I was about to p ost.

   You're never too old to throw random sh*t in people's shopping carts when they aren't looking.

   "Got any drugs or alcohol on you?" "yup, I'm all set. Thanks Officer"

   Fellas; The way to a girl's heart is through her cat.

   I'm not crying, that's just the vodka leaving my body through my eyes.

   Ladies, don't say that men never listen... We can tell you every word of what was said during an NFL pregame or in-game broadcast.

   Some guy just walked by and offered to sell me an iPhone 25. Apparently he’s a time traveler and he… I'm high again, aren't I.