Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Well at least Jesse Drives off to the need for speed trailer.

   I would start smoking meth if that's what it took to get another season of Breaking Bad.

   My hair made me look stupid so I cut it. The moral of this story is, if you try to make me look stupid I'll cut you.

   I'm sorry I keep looking at your chest while you're talking. It's just so beautiful. What is it, oak?

   Honey I shrunk the kids' college savings,,, and bet on a pure bred horse

   DOC: I'm sorry, but you only have 2 weeks to live... *I slip the Doc a 5 dollar bill*... DOC: Ooooh make that 3 weeks buddy... *I wink at my loved ones*

   Pumped for the series finale of the U.S. government!

   Experience is a cruel teacher. It gives a test before presenting the lesson.

   Funerals are so depressing, when I die I want to be fed to a shark or something cool.

   Behind every woman there's a man trying to put it in her butt.

   I'm a firm believer in the separation of church and Earth.

   Nothing says "Let's work things out" quite like "I'm pregnant".

   Spiders - because women need to know they are not independent.

   Ladies, we don't really want a sandwich after sex, we just want you to get out of the bed so we can go to sleep

   The first person to ever call me a psycho was Lorraine from high school. Height 5'4, coffin size 84 by 28 by 23.

   My wife finally got a "Brazilian". He seems nice.

   Apparently a teen in Brazil died after jerking off 42 times without stopping. So...41 guys...that's the limit.

   It's a shame that we live in a society that praises the pretenders, rewards the liars and promotes the talentless.

   Me: Will you stay with me till I fall asleep? Him: Ma'am, please just take your pizza

   My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.