Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I don't know why Tampax and Hershey have not joined forces yet. Taping a pack of Reese's to a box of tampons could literally save lives.

   I am a firm believer in when one door closes, another one opens. Yep, I believe in ghosts...

   come to think of it I DO recieve foodstamps its called US Currency and its in the form of a paycheck!!

   Guess what day it is!!! Guess! What! Day! It! Is! Its Day 2 of the government shutdown and society has yet to collapse, this is exactly what the Democrats feared....

   Stop with the over used old posts , if we want old stuff we know where to look , now bad to the funny NEW stuff please..

   So America had enough money to go to war with Syria but don't have enough money to survive as a government. Priorities.

   Keep scrolling...if you want to see what position manchester United is on the log.

   Automatic flushing toilets are the premature ejaculators of bathroom fixtures.

   I bet even Bill Gates doesn't use BING when no one is looking.

   Wife fell asleep on the couch so I drew a spider on her glasses with dry erase marker. And now we wait...

   Word of the day - MACROVERBUMSCIOLIST -Someone who pretends to know a word, then secretly looks it up.

   I would consider marriage if it came with a better benefits package.

   I see your "Restraining order" and raise you a "high powered telescope"

   When the relationship hits the wall the douchebag deploys.

   Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.

   My favorite thing about naps is that I don't have to talk to people during them

   At what point during my neighbors sob story about losing her job do I mention I only have 2% battery life?

   There should be an observation deck at Walmart.

   Underwear need pockets. If you want to walk around without pants, where are you supposed to put your phone?

   I really miss your face... between my thighs.