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Neighbor - n. One whom we are commanded to love as ourselves, and who does all he knows how to make us disobedient. 
I just got that call no man wants. From my ex wife...
Callous: adj. Gifted with great fortitude to bear the evils afflicting another.
Education: n. That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.
Out of the 20 richest women in the world, only one did not inherit their money from their husband or father!
I just watched a documentary on LSD and in my opinion that is the best way to watch a documenatry
I just spent our "Halloween Candy" money on a couple of cases of Samuel Adams OctoberFest beer. I hope the trick-or-treaters are happy with some of the Sweet'N Low packets and Bounce Fabric Softener sheets that they are getting this year.
Dont forget to pay your taxes this year so the Government can give it to people that dont work as hard as you...
Lawyer: (n.) One skilled in circumvention of the law.
the government is like my computer....there might just be a problem when it shuts down
if your neighbors call the police on you for playing loud music, just tell the cop "you can dance if you want to or you can leave your friend behind..."
Just ate an entire 180 day supply of gummy vitamins sitting in traffic and now I'm bullet and fireproof. Probably.
Stared off into space after lunch and accidentally graduated from University of Phoenix with another degree : (
the lucky is the only cigarette in the pacK that I get drunk and light backwards
With all this government shutdown, Rage Against The Machine should reunite. Plenty of new material.
It's really hard to watch a movie when you're hanging on a tree outside someone's room.
I've never been in relationships. I prefer to call them 'momentary lapses in judgement'.
Dear ladies, We love when you play with our balls and not our minds.
If you shake it more than twice you're advertising.
Don't judge my Playboy subscription, You "Fifty Shades of Grey" reading Harlots! 