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"He's alright when you get to know him" .. Translation:.. "He's a twat, but you'll get used to him" 
Mistakes married men make: 1. Doing things. 2. Not doing things. 3. Thinking about doing things. 4. Not thinking about doing things.
The two major causes of depression are: a) having a wife, and b) not having a wife.
It's official! I just bought my first bag of Halloween candy...that will NOT make it to Halloween.
I hate being petty and wishing misfortune on others, but some days it's just necessary...
FYI: You find out if the NSA is listening to your call by singing SWEET CAROLINE and if more than one voice responds with bum bum bum THEN YOU KNOW
It would serve me better if they put shopping carts in the middle of the store where my pride realizes I have too much stuff to carry.
This Lady in a Hummer at the next pump was b*tching about gas prices on a gold iPhone holding a Starbucks. Long story short I need bail money.
I planned on being productive today, then the voice in my head laughed and laughed and we took a nap.
All I want is someone who knows where all my stuff is when I am missing it.
The black iPhone is better at stealing WiFi.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
My coke dealer has a habit of putting his business in my nose.
If you love someone, make them guess how you feel about them until they get tired and move on to someone else.
Girls who act stupid because they think it's cute need to be slapped in the face with a d*ck.
WAIT BEYONCE MY LEFT OR YOUR LEFT
BTW: Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
*whispers to the Internet*............. "Look what you did."
Name brands really are better... For instance, I just found out that a "Tide pen" will work much better on a stain, then a regular pen.
When I die, I want to be buried with some random animal bone just to confuse future archaeologists.
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