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ou know what material this is?" [Grab your shirt] "Boyfriend material" 
Repaired a vacuum the other day. It was easy,,, I just stuck a Tampa bay Bucs logo on it... Now it sucks just fine
Today's Horoscope: You're gullible.
Get this: My 2 year old & 8 month old decided not to take advantage of the extra hour of sleep yesterday morning.
Wedding cards should be filed in the Sympathy section.
Ladies; Take his breath away. Sit on his face.
When suffering from insomnia I either count sheep or ask my GF how her day was.
My GF & I are deeply in love. She loves me for my deep pockets. And I love her for her deep throat.
Fighting between men lasts around 4 to 5 minutes. Fighting between women lasts a lifetime.
Because of the size of my d*ck women find it difficult to walk after I have sex with them. I react very violently to laughter.
You play the victim so well, I'm surprise you don't carry around your own piece of chalk.
ME: Siri, where did my year go? SIRI: "See Facebook"
When nobody understands what you are talking about, you're either a genius, insane, or you're my GF.
Those 4 words that will get any girl into bed with you. 'I won the lottery'.
My GF asked me to bring home some stuff for the pancakes yesterday. She wasn't happy when I came back with a push up bra.
I guess it was a bad idea to dedicate "Another One Bites the Dust" to your newly wed friend.
I am woman, hear me ask you the same question a dozen different ways in the hope of catching you slipping.
If I’m ever murdered, I have no doubt that my chalk outline would include my phone in my hand.
If a dentist makes his money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should I trust a toothpaste that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?
Fun thing to do #53: confuse room service bringing breakfast to you by exclaiming, "You shouldn't have! Did the children help?" 