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You play the victim so well, I'm surprise you don't carry around your own piece of chalk. 
ME: Siri, where did my year go? SIRI: "See Facebook"
When nobody understands what you are talking about, you're either a genius, insane, or you're my GF.
Those 4 words that will get any girl into bed with you. 'I won the lottery'.
My GF asked me to bring home some stuff for the pancakes yesterday. She wasn't happy when I came back with a push up bra.
I guess it was a bad idea to dedicate "Another One Bites the Dust" to your newly wed friend.
I am woman, hear me ask you the same question a dozen different ways in the hope of catching you slipping.
If I’m ever murdered, I have no doubt that my chalk outline would include my phone in my hand.
If a dentist makes his money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should I trust a toothpaste that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?
Fun thing to do #53: confuse room service bringing breakfast to you by exclaiming, "You shouldn't have! Did the children help?"
Sometimes I hate going to the Mall. I've always felt like they are watching or following me. I tried to prove it , but my wife just rolls her eyes. The shocking truth is every map I've ever seen in that place says "You are Here". How do they know that?
May the millions of lights that shine today light up your life with endless prosperity, good fortune and joy. Sending you and your family warmest wishes for a wonderful and happy Diwali, from India
Was just reading about the new 100 dollar bill design and wondered why I hadn't seen one yet. Then I realized it's because it's a 100 dollar bill.
Send me one more game request and I'm showing up at your house hammered, at 4am, naked and demanding a game of Twister...
Gary Kubiak even fainted after that overturn...
Honestly, I have no idea what I would even do with 5 hours of energy.
Why is it that as soon as I do my manicure they get thirsty hungry or need their azz wiped? Geez! smdh
Nick Foles gets a concussion, wakes up thinking he's Peyton Manning.
My girlfriends husband doesn't like me.
It seems so much later then it actually is.....
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