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What do you call a girl who expects a guy to do everything for her, make all the first moves, and text her first every day? SINGLE 
God made men. But sandwiches weren't going to make themselves. So God made women.
Explaining to a woman why she's wrong is the most difficult thing in the world.
We naturally want a girl in our lives. Girls only like ass-holes. Guys become ass-holes to adjust. It's natural. Don't blame us.
The best friendships are built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, and inappropriateness.
Pawn Stars Man: Hey can I have change for a dollar? Rick: The best I can do is 25 cents.
When I end a sentence with "Just Sayin" what I really mean to say is "Fu%k off, I'm right." ...just sayin.
I was kicked out of the Nintendo thoughts group for my idea about a Wii game for disabled people. Apparently Wii-Tards isn't a great name.
I want a girl I'm proud enough of to show off to my family and friends
Why are girls with boyfriends always way more flirty than girls who are single?
The real reason women live longer than men is because they don't have to live with women.
What do Justin Bieber and Pinocchio have in common? They both want to be real boys.
If you wake me up by turning on all the lights, there’s a 100% chance that I’ve already started planning 10 different ways to kill you
I hate when I put food in the microwave and it starts makin explosive noises so I check and it's cold. Like why you gotta play me like that
If she treats you like an option, leave her like a choice.
Life's too short to go to bed early
Listen to what girls say when they're angry... That's when the truth comes out.
Other people: Wow what a perfect morning for a run! Me: Wow what a perfect morning to go the hell back to sleep.
What's the point of blurring out the middle finger on TV, like oh you've fooled me, what's behind that blur? Is it a monkey? A pencil?
Any man who says his wedding day is the happiest day of his life has obviously never scored an over-head kick on FIFA. 