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I'm so drunk I almost answered my phone. 
If you think you cannot live without someone, you really do need to rethink the fact that you're still alive.
A guy gets out of the shower and and says to his wife, "So what do you think of this?" She says, "You're like a country breakfast." "Oh yeah, how so?" She says, "Fat belly 2 eggs and sausage."
Toronto's Mayor Rob Ford ...is this really a PRANK show and Ashton Kutcher is going to come out at the end and tell us we've been PUNK'D
When you're driving and Nicki Minaj is on all 2 radio station at the same time, there's nothing left to do except crash your car
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is you don't talk about, mention, speak of, discuss or chat about Thesaurus Club.
Long story short, I love summaries
The guy who decided how to spell bologna was clearly in over his head.
What's the difference between agal who shops at Walmart and a bowling ball? If you had to you'd could eat the bowling ball...
I'm going to get dressed up in bear costume and go down to Best Buy on Black Friday and scare the people camping out in tents...
Does anyone know where I can get a "Don't blame me, I voted for Romney" bumper sticker?
Im thinking of changing my name to Reason.... Because no one ever listens to me.
The party's not over 'till you smile for the mugshot. ;-p
Apparently, California has the highest rate of Adultery and Depression. It's a sad State of affairs....
The besth thing about telepathy is... I know, right!?
ALSO FACT: You eat 28 spiders in your lifetime... Always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
They say you will eat approximately 23 spiders in your life,,, but really you can eat as many as you want.. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
Sorry I made fun of your erectile dysfunction,,, I hope there's no hard feelings
An elderly woman at an ATM asked me to help her check her balance. So I pushed her over....yep she needs a walker!
An old lady at my dad's grocery store was mad because the turkeys were small. She asked, "Do you think they'll get bigger right before Thanksgiving? " I said, "No mam." She goes, "Why?" I go, because they're dead." 