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Nothing says I have faith in God like the bullet proof glass on the Pope's car. 
Fun Fact: Even though they call it a "man hole", you can shove women and children down it just fine.
Cutest thing I saw today was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently.
My boss told me to have a good day so I went home. He must really want me to have a good time because he called and said don't come in tomorrow.
there anything worse than being on vacation, and your copy of Enter The Dragon won't play because of a scraaaaatch????
I need a female exercise partner. When I say exercise I mean emotionless sex.
If Mama Cass had shared her sandwich with Karen Carpenter they both might be alive today.
My boss told me to have a good day so I went home.
A satisfied woman will roll over and ignore you. If she's wanting "cuddles" then you suck at sex.
Being a woman should count as a pre-existing mental condition.
I'm sick of being the guy everyone comes to when they want the money I owe them.
I don't believe in god but I believe in my god given rights.
Every time I visit my parents, I send the kids in first so they can signal me if it's an intervention.
Ladies; If he doesn't think you're a little bit crazy, he's not paying enough attention to you.
Chances are, if you're just a little bit smart assy, I like you.
Girl, are you a plumber? Cause I just felt the last ounce of romance drain from our relationship.
Broke parents are why I have trust fund issues.
Sometimes I just go to work for the free internet.
Hey man, I didn't see you at ninja class last night
It's like my date doesn't even care about some of the core problems that faced the software development industry in the mid 90's 