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Give me a chance girl and I'll grow on you like the unexpected rap verse in an otherwise catchy pop song 
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night.
*walks in dressed as Jesus* Wife: OH, MY GOD *takes off beard* “No, it’s just me”
Apparently, there's no need for a web-cam on Cyber Monday.
RIP to the other guy in the car with Paul Walker who isn't being recognized because he's not famous.
Airplanes have now banned tweezers. I think anyone who can hijack a plane with tweezers deserves the plane.
On next week's walking dead! Guest star Paul Walker!!!....still too soon?
In honor of Cyber Monday...my pants are 75% off...
He who is humble is not stressed by the superiority complex of fools around him.
Wonder when we will see the "Paul Walker" on The Walking Dead?
I said give me head not headache.
Going to one of those places where you chop down your own Christmas tree, and then try to get away before they catch you.
When you are married, there is no such a thing as a "bad blow job".
Having a mohawk used to mean you were tough. Now it means you're a 3 year-old with annoying parents.
All these years I thought cuddling meant holding her head while she bows you.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
She asked if I was horny, it’s like she doesn’t even know I’m a man.
You can't spell "housewife" without "ho."
You call it a "one night stand," I call it "catch and release." 