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Most meteorologists are men. That's why when they say you're going to get 8-12 inches of snow, you really only end up getting 4-6 inches. 
I tried to guilt my wife into a BJ by reminding her "Tis the season of giving". I hope she was joking when she said "I gave at the office".
Man I was so upset at my parents when they told me that Santa wasn't real, I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good, and we will slowly kill you
Everybody is a victim in their own eyes...
All shoes are technically buy one get one free...
Just because I'm a woman DOES NOT mean I can't have dead hookers in my trunk too.
Unless your Christmas tree is electrocuting you, keep photos of that stupid sh*t to yourself.
It takes me about 5 hours to fully wake up in the morning
Today, I'm really gonna give it my nothing
Go to the gym, else instagram will run out of business
Hmmm....my wife just left the house in a big hurry with her winged monkeys in hot pursuit. Someone is in trouble
Oops I almost forgot its sunday today, thanks facebook friends for reminding me with your religious posts.
how are OCD ppl made? a German person gets with a British person to make a baby so the baby is "Germish"
Don't make me laugh it will come out my nose
"You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet." - If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
Chris Matthews wants to know if getting your head removed from Obama's a ss is covered under Obamacare
Happy Hoildays Schmolidays. Merry Christmas Schmistmas. I lean towards the Christmas greeting, but I gotta be honest with myself. I don't care. I'm mainly in it for the food.
Ask your doctor if it’s the right OCD medication for you... Then ask him 3 more times, knock on the wall twice and ensure the door is locked.
I'm pretty sure today is one of my family members birthday..... I should probably "unblock" them and check.
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