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When one door closes another one opens. Or you could jut re-open the closed door. Because that's how doors work. 
Wow, woke up this morning and Al Gore's still right about global climate change, how about that?
Well, it's the end of the year. No point in trying to become a good person this late in the game.
The more stupid people I meet, the more I understand serial killers and think they should be called serial problem solvers.
For a second there I thought I understood Spanish, but it was just the weed. False alarm.
It’s cute how some people still believe in love and happily ever after.
Relationships would probably be a lot more appealing if the only other option was getting hit by a bus.
I am the most dangerous/damaged when I'm quiet. When I'm yelling or b*tching there is still hope.
Soul mate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
Twitter..the Walmart of social media.
Judging by all these mosquitos passed out and puking on my chest, I've had too much tequila.
Baby, I'll respect you in the morning if you leave tonight.
Ugly people withholding sex until the last minute coz they know it’s the only ace in their deck of cards.
I'm not so much offended by what Megyn Kelly says, but I'm offended that someone so dumb and foolish has her own TV show.
Jesus and santa are not real. You can live up to a 1,000 year and still never get to meet Jesus.
My bartender can beat up your psychiatrist, now pop a pill while I have a drink!
I once won an argument with a woman. This was my only consolation considering after she won the divorce settlement.
It would be so much more ''festive" if UPS and FEDEX guys dressed as Santa while delivering packages during the holiday season
Vodka works better than Mistletoe at Christmas Parties. That's because with Vodka someone is getting kissed whether they want it or not.
I always try to see my relatives with love and affection during the Holidays. When I can't I try to see if there is more Bourbon available. 