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My wife just asked me if I have a girlfriend and I was like, "God, that's soooo two days ago." 
A proponent of tolerance should be bullied, harassed and stalked for a hundred times to make them see the light and get a clear understanding of tolerance.
Remember safety first.... Reach, Throw, Row, Go......Only you can rescue someone who may have stepped off into a pothole!
Nothing turns a close knit family into a bunch of cage fighters like the question of "Who wants to lick the spoon of cake batter?"...
I would watch the movie Lovelace .......but I know it would suck
Stop saying you have lake front property, that's a freakin' ponding basin.
I really hope that I don't get another sweater for Christmas. I'd much prefer a moaner or a screamer....
Through all the turmoil, tears and tribulations, she has definitely made me a better man. Bitter man, sorry.
Women: Think of every guy you have ever been friends with. He has jerked off to you. Good talk.
"Call it a sweatshirt.. Those?,, those are sweatpants.. That one is a sweater.. Gosh, it's hot in here." ... (The guy who named clothes)
So after a 7hr erection, do I seek out a Doctor or a Porn Studio?
Revenge is a dish best served on the dance floor.
Women - your mouth can get you into a lot of trouble, but it can get you out of a hell of a lot more trouble.
Guys, the secret to a successful marriage is learning to choose your battles knowing you've already lost the war.
Some symptoms of psychopathic behavior are manipulativeness, pathological lying, lack of empathy and writing 'heeeeeeey' in texts.
I wonder if Johnny Depp's bracelets ever get jealous now that Steven Tyler's scarves are dating Bruno Mars' hats.
Ladies; Don't forget to text him and ask how his d*ck is today
You know some sh*t is about to go down when she turns her phone sideways to type.
If I could have a moment of your time I'd just like to say, Happy Easter everyone.
Make money like a man, spend it like a woman. 