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Today a homeless man stuck a hand out at me and said 'spare change'His hand was empty, I think the pr!ck was teasing me, so I took his dog 
How to tell if a girls mad at you: 1. Shes telling you she's not mad at you.
I don't get angry....I get drunk & plot.
The only reason I talk to my family is because I know eventually I'm going to need a new liver. It's ironic because they're why I drink.
I didn't say I hope you choke on your next meal. I said, I hope theres some reruns of Ally McBeal. Silly. -when adult rhymes save marriages
No honey, I didn't invite you hiking just because you're fat, and bears will target you first. I also think you make great trail mix.
If you can't be happy, at least you can be drunk.
My parents think I'm bad, but if they saw how half my friends treat their parents, they'd appreciate me more.
Kant Know Anything West aka Kanye West
K. K .K members never turn their TVs off cuz they don't want the screen to be black
I post political status on Facebook just to watch my friends battle each other like it's The Crips Vs Bloods...
this fat free dinner taste like sadness!
Obama and Jerry Jones need to get together and figure out what they are doing wrong with America and America's Team.
"Try googling Google and then hit lucky.....then Bing Bing, and Yahoo Yahoo. If you really bored Bing Google then Google Bing Yahoo" - me at the bar talking to a nerdy girl drunk!
When Obama was talking about " Change" in his Inaugural speech I didn't realize he was talking about that's all we would have left in our pockets.
im not sure if I'm hungry but I'm gonna eat anyway just in case
pizza is the only love triangle I want
I miss being able to slam my phone shut when I hang up on somebody. Violently pressing "end call" just doesn't do it for me
The trick is to not let people know how really weird you are until it’s too late for them to back out.
that annoying moment when you close the wrong tab
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