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"I can't believe it's not clutter." ~ A recovering hoarder 
New Year's Eve is my favorite alcoholiday
It’s amazing how everyone cries for free speech until someone says something that they don’t like.
Please don't cry. You look ugly when you cry - me consoling a crying woman
If you really wanna drive her crazy, make her guess how you feel.
Breaking News!!! It is okay to "NOT" get in a debate on a Facebook status if you really have no idea what you are talking about. You can just move on to a cat picture or something you understand and comment on that..
I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She replied, "S3x! S3x! S3x! Free s3x tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 6663629."
I bet Beyonce's ex-boyfriend cries himself to sleep every night regretting the day he cheated on her.
The only thing that can spoil my holiday mood right now would be a direct debit order I completely forgot about.
If you thought your parents were strict, I was toilet trained at gunpoint.
Between the blue corn tortilla chips, spinach dip, and salsa....I've been crapp*ng out Christmas colors for the past three days.
Someone's gotta break it to people under 25 that cameras can also point away from themselves
just read that drug sniffing dogs get treats when they find drugs. we're just creating more addicts, you guys
The only way to have an upper hand over a woman is to be better looking than her.
Listening to wife is like reading the terms and conditions of a website. Sometimes you understand nothing,still you say..."I Agree".....!
have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is easy and fun as hell.
I broke up with my cross eyed boyfriend he was seeing 2 people at once
I have heartburn so bad that even the Devil would want out
You have the most beautiful lies I've ever seen
my liquor store owner will be so happy in about four days 