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I'd rather mail myself somewhere than ride in a Smart Car. 
“Ladies and gentlemen; we are gathered here today because SOMEBODY couldn't stay alive.” - This is why they don’t let me give speeches at funerals anymore.
Pop corn isn’t meant to be eaten grain by grain. Stick your hand in the box, take a handful and shove it onto your face. Live a little.
2014. Yep, nothing's changed. The good people are still good. The bad people are still bad. The smart people are still smart. The slow people are still slow...and the assh0les are still assh0les.
If you ever jammed to Unskinny Bop, you really can't complain about todays music...
I don't know if this makes me a homophobe or not, but from a guy's perspective, I much prefer the hole to be situated in front.
Just noticed that the disclaimer at the beginning of Shark Tank says the Sharks are not really sharks, they are people.
vacuuming my sheets, which is a fairly clear sign that I need to stop eating in bed.
Studies show that 36% of people rushed to the hospital die on their way. Such a coincidence seeing that 36% of ambulance drivers are women.
Do you ever wake up and just say "nope" and then roll over and go back to sleep
If your ex texts you, its probably because they tried to replace you, but failed.
When girls get mad, they cry to their friends. We go cuss people out on Xbox.
Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize you were an expert on my life and how I should live it. Please continue while I take f*cking notes.
Drugs don't ruin your career. Drug tests do.
When the check comes, men reach for their wallets, women reach for their calculator.
So this blind man walks into a bar,,,,,,,, and a chair,, and a table.
Fingers crossed this is the year I'll finally wear a scarf correctly!
My nephew clogged the toilet and "forgot" to tell someone. His name is Hunter & he blew out a septic system
Counterfeit $1 bills reportedly found in circulation. Be on the lookout for hot singles in your area.
Not sure what this might mean, but you can re-arrange the letters in Happy New Year to spell Wary Ye Happen. 