Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I wonder if Kanye is just over compensating for the fact his mom misspelled "Kenya."

   First woman on Moon: -Huston, we have a problem? What? -Never mind What's the problem? -Nothing Please tell us? -You know what's the problem

   The last time I was this drunk I got married.

   I'm not saying your baby is ugly, I'm just wondering which end the food goes in..

   It's sexy when a woman wears nothing but a long shirt to bed, it's sexier when she doesn't see you watching from the tree outside her window

   Things that don't kill bees: 1: furnutire polish 2: Febreeze 3: butter 4: screeming

   Tip of the Day: Never treat someone like a queen that only treats you like a jester.

   My Siamese twin told me the funniest joke this morning!! I laughed so hard I almost pissed himself!!!!

   You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks.

   He said: Am I the first one to sleep in your bed? She said: Well...., if you actually fall asleep then yeah.

   I’ve found the best way to learn your co-workers’ names is by eating their food in the office fridge

   Ugh. New Year's Eve is just around the corner and I STILL haven't picked out which gang sign I'm going to hold up in photos

   If you got a big-screen TV for Christmas, be sure to put the empty box out with your neighbor's trash. That way, their house will get robbed instead of yours.

   I tried to take a photo of a huge bug in my bathroom, but when I put a coin next to it for scale IT TOOK THE COIN AND PUT IT IN ITS WALLET.

   It's amazing how many people are allergic to gluten, peanuts, and facts.

   I wish I was a turtle that way I could take my house everywhere I go and never have to worry about being homesick again.

   Nothing says "I would rather be with someone else" quite like cheating.

   New Years Day I will be 100, so New Years Eve I'm going to party like I'm 19 @ 99!

   There are 361 days until Christmas and people already have their lights up. Unbelievable

   I always imagine women have sex like they dance, This is why Line Dancing is so disturbing to me.