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If your ex texts you, its probably because they tried to replace you, but failed. 
When girls get mad, they cry to their friends. We go cuss people out on Xbox.
Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize you were an expert on my life and how I should live it. Please continue while I take f*cking notes.
Drugs don't ruin your career. Drug tests do.
When the check comes, men reach for their wallets, women reach for their calculator.
So this blind man walks into a bar,,,,,,,, and a chair,, and a table.
Fingers crossed this is the year I'll finally wear a scarf correctly!
My nephew clogged the toilet and "forgot" to tell someone. His name is Hunter & he blew out a septic system
Counterfeit $1 bills reportedly found in circulation. Be on the lookout for hot singles in your area.
Not sure what this might mean, but you can re-arrange the letters in Happy New Year to spell Wary Ye Happen.
brought home warm beer.. put one on the back porch.. 3 minutes a side.. came out perfect
After Colorado legalized marijuana, Peyton Manning bought 20 Papa John's stores in Colorado. If this football thing doesn't work out, I say he's got a bright future in finance
Why do my son's socks cost more than my pants?
i saw an ad on craigslist once that said “free firewood, you collect it” so I wrote to the guy and said “bud you just wrote an ad for the woods”
My Mexican waiter put my food down in front of another white man who looked nothing like me. So I totally get it now. Oh wait that's not my waiter.
Sorry I set up a smoke machine and played The Undertaker's theme song at your grandmother's funeral.
Better ingredients. Better pizza. Horrible acting. Papa Johns.
I bet Bruce Wayne sometimes accidentally signs his credit card receipts "Batman" when he's drunk. I know I do.
Jeopardy: The answer is: These are the combined result of a yeast infection and itchy S.T.D. beep beep..."What are crab cakes?"
I'm not h0m0ph0bic, I love my house!
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