Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I'm happiest when I'm asleep. It's my little temporary death.

   Obituaries are the first thing my Nana checks in the paper on Saturdays... I think she enjoys getting through to the next round.

   Bumper sticker: Sorry for driving so close in front of you...

   I wish someone would steal my identity, fix it and and give it back. . .

   I think married people should spend a lot of time experimenting sexually. Unless the name of the experiment is "Let's see how long I can make him go without sex".

   I think being the winner of the Great American SPAM Recipe Contest is a perfect example of how someone can be a winner and a loser at the same time.

   I think I'd takes Joan Rivers opinions on how people look more seriously if she didn't look like something that sits on a ventriloquist's lap.

   Some critics say Governor Christie isn't fit to hold office. They should just widen all the doorways where he goes to work. Problem solved.

   Oh yeah Morgan Freeman... My Olympic moment involved an open bar. I don't remember the details, but I needed stitches.

   I'm thinking this Super Bowl will create the biggest buzz of all and more shotguns than ever.

   A fool spends his entire life denying that he is a fool. A wise man accepts and embraces that he is a fool.

   Your wife is so fat, when she runs she makes the mp3 player skip... at the radio station.

   Wife: You always blame other people for your problems. Me: Yeah, and whose fault is that?

   iPhone 6 will be wider, but at my age, I'll tap anything...

   I just apologized to my wife for something she did wrong. Marriage is fun.

   I love you so much that if I had to choose between the last bottle of vodka in the world and you, I would make a toast in your honor.

   When at a club & a really huge guy smacks your girl’s ass, ask her before she asks you “are you just going to let that guy smack your ass?”

   From the outside everyone looks like a nice person, try living with them for a week and see who they really are.

   BREAKING NEWS: It snows during winter time.

   Diet tip: If you think you're hungry, you might actually just be thirsty.. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.