Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Dying is Kim Kardashian's number one fear because in the spiritual world ghosts only have white d*cks.

   Has Susanne Atanus looked in a mirror? What's god punishing her for?

   If I were to give up Sarcasm, that would leave interpretive dance as my only means of communication.

   What if there actually is one legit Nigerian millionaire prince who genuinely needs to use your bank account?

   If the 'D' stands for death, then yes, my Wife REALLY wants my 'D'.

   Lawyers do this cute little thing where they say "retainer fee" but they really mean "BJ".

   I take great pride in the fact that I've never wasted time in playing stupid games like Candy Crush

   You're not the only one who's empty inside, coffee mug.

   "for just 15 cents a day" ...*changeschannel*

   If a niqqa slap me on Vine the rest of the fight will continue on YouTube

   They should of put Justn Bieber in Rikers Island prison with lifers.

   Sometimes when I tag someone in a pic I whisper "you're it."

   there anything more capitalist than a peanut with a top hat, cane, and monocle selling you other peanuts to eat

   If your job is to follow celebrities around taking their picture, I only have one question. What keeps you from killing yourself??

   Chinese smog drifting east and is now covering parts of California. Yet another American icon has been outsourced.

   Why do people post missing person posts on facebook? Like we're going outside...

   Well, The Captain & Tennille are getting a divorce. I guess he did that to her one too many times.

   Her: My boss treats me like his servant!! Me: I’m sorry, you deserve better. What’s for dinner?

   Okay, admit it. You're secretly hoping Justin Bieber does his Paul Walker impersonation.

   she said she was getting close to 40 and I ask from what side?