Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   My neighbours diary say's I have boundary issues.

   This space heater can barely warm a room, there's no way it's going to heat a universe.

   I call my condoms Peyton Manning. Cause they usually just stay in the pocket.

   I remember "The Simpsons" episode when Homer won a Grammy, then threw it into a dumpster. A bum picked it up, and even he didn't want it.

   I love it when my computer says ” are you sure you want to continue unprotected “

   I'm drunk and horny but not "call my ex" drunk and horny...

   That guy has a couple screws loose... which is ironic because he's also a tool...

   The Super Bowl is going to be cold, Sherman is a thug, Peyton says Omaha. We get it, ESPN.

   We get it, ESPN. The superbowl will be cold, you don't have to remind us every 5 minutes.

   Did Obama not give insurance to the Comedians around here?

   Jeeziz...last night the big choice was either the Grammys or the Pro Bowl. Thank God there was a Reba marathon.

   If I'm ever in a convenience that is getting robbed, I'm loading my pockets before the police get there.

   I'm convinced some people got married just so they could gripe about being married...

   Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl's girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: "My dad wears shirts like that"

   I fell in love with an Irish girl from the bad part of town. She had no time for me. She'd rather do the jig.

   when I see a pretty girl all I can think to myself is "There's no way she is gonna put up with my crazy."

   Neighbour kisses his wife before he leaves for work. My wife asked why I don’t do the same thing. I said I always do and that’s how the fight started

   Brain: Let’s dance. Legs: We don’t do that. Tequila: Just give it a minute.

   All any of us really want is someone to be a Chunk to our Sloth.

   If you have accepted Nicki Minaj’s music as hip hop then you can’t *itch about Macklemore winning the best rap album award at the Grammys. You can't lower the bar for one person and deny another.