Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   thats the last time I buy Sushi from the dollar store!

   Years ago, my girlfriend said, “It’s me or the beer!” I wonder how she doing…

   Some days the problem is I care too much... Today was not one of those days...

   Next time I see a car with like, 90 stick children on it, I am taping a condom to the window.

   So this 19 year old Miranda chick on Craigslist says she's interested in me!!

   Secretly replaced the bacon with beggin' strips. Let's see if the customers notice.

   In honor of Presidents Day, I'm making HUGE promises to everyone that I have no intention of keeping...

   Secretly replaced the back

   Jack-in-the Box's always freaked me out. Some scary clown popping out. Shouldn't it have been a weasel?

   Auto correct can go straight to He'll. I sound like a ducking idiot....thanks auto correct

   If you take all the veins out of a person and lay them end to end that person will die...

   I've fallen! And I can't reach my coffee!

   Here's to all the presidents who have died and to those who we wish would.

   Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they're fighting over the world's last Oreo

   So today I said to a co-worker "Happy Presidents Day!" She replied did you wear anything Presidential today Gary ? Then this came out of my mouth ..." Yep ...my underwear... There's a star in the front and a stripe in the back !"

   i don't get why people find drunk texts annoying, you're the person they're thinking of when their brain can't even function properly

   Sarcasm is like a good game of chess. Most people don't know how to play chess.

   "How does a person go about celebrating President's Day Dad?" asked my son "well there's roughly two ways to celebrate it" I explained. "you can talk about past presidents or you can go buy a new mattress"

   It was probably just a goat with one horn missing that just happened to fly because unicorns aren't real.

   I'm glad I have work today. Who wants to celebrate Presidents' Day with this dude in office? In any case, happy bday month to George and Abe. You guys were pretty awesome.